Toxic Sibling Rivalries
In the 4th chapter in the book of Genesis, we are introduced to the tragic story of two brothers. The firstborn son was Cain and the second was named Abel. Their parents were Adam and Eve. Cain, the older, was a tiller of the soil, while his brother tended to the flocks. When it came time to make their offering to God, Cain offered up the first fruits of his crop, while Abel offered the fat portion of his animal sacrifice. When the gifts were received by God, He appreciated the animal sacrifice of Abel's above the crop offering of Cain's. In response, Cain grew in anger at his brother, the result leading Cain to seek revenge. So, Cain killed his younger brother. This story is the first recorded episode of human violence and toxic sibling rivalry. When God confronted Cain and inquired about Abel, Cain responded, "Am I my brother's keeper?" This story is the first recorded drama of human violence, but it would not, however, be the last.
As we continue reading in Genesis, we come across the story of Jacob and Esau, the sons of Isaac. Now, in those days it was a custom to give your blessing to your first-born son. This blessing was a critical gift for the well-being of your first male child. In this case, it would have been Esau. The boys' mother, however, favored the younger brother Jacob, and she conspired with Jacob to steal his older brother's blessing. Consequently, when Esau was out hunting for the family, the younger son snuck into his father's tent posing to be the older son. Since his father had failing eye sight, he could not tell one son from the other. As a result, Jacob tricked his father and received the blessing meant for his brother! And, with this blessing, Jacob would have nations honoring and kneeling before him. When Esau discovered he was robbed of his father's blessing, the boy wept. Esau was angry, and Jacob had to flee from his brother's wrath. Yet, in doing so, Jacob discovered his destiny with history. This saga of toxic, sibling rivalry continues on from biblical times to the present day. If you look, it is everywhere, if not within your own family, then in families close to you.
When toxic, sibling rivalries are allowed to fester within families, such emotions disrupt the family unit and in extreme cases can even lead to violence. Such relationships can last a lifetime with no resolution. These rivalries not only affect the family unit, but such discord can even creep into a community.
Allow this thought to percolate in your mind. When Cain slew Abel, this was not the first time that Cain's anger got the best of him. I submit that this rivalry was an ongoing saga between the two brothers. I imagine that Cain's angry emotions kept building until he exploded in a fit of rage! And why not? Growing up in a household of boys, you have to ask yourself what young boys do? They learn how to fight. They cultivate jealousies and plot out their revenge. This pattern of behavior may follow them into their adult years if not resolved.
Families are sacred spaces! In this wonderful institution created by God, parents are given the awesome responsibility to teach their children in the ways of righteousness. In this loving setting, children can see what it means to be honorable. Children can learn what it means to be forgiving. In a righteous household, trust is something that is developed and cherished. Honesty is part of the code of conduct.When mistakes are made, children are not harshly treated, but treated with mercy so that they can be merciful. Most of all, children are directed to grow into the persons that God intended them to be.
In the stories of Cain and Abel and Jacob and Esau, siblings did not grow up valuing the uniqueness from the other. They did not lift each other up and support the individualization of their brothers. In doing so, they could not recognize that they had their own unique gifts and that they were each special in God's eyes. They were not taught that one of their roles was to encourage and lift up their siblings. In essence, to be their brother's keeper. When brothers do this, they won't become competitive or jealous of the other. Stop for a moment and think about healthy families. When you see siblings supporting and encouraging one another, is not conflict greatly reduced? Does not their love for each other glow like the morning sun?
In closing, allow me to raise one more troubling thought. If siblings grow up in a household of conflict and jealousy, it is difficult to set aside those memories. There is no denying that you experienced that hurt. If you think about it, your memory may be distorted. For example, have you ever returned, after a long absence, to your grandmother's house as an adult and discovered that her house was not as big as you remembered it? In fact, now it looks quite small. Is it possible that our memories hold the same perspective? That which is large when we were young has now grown small as we became adults. Yet, we react as if those hurtful memories are still large. We have the capacity to change our perspective if we are willing to break through our denial of memories that have been distorted.
Remember, that on that Good Friday when Jesus painfully hung on the cross, He never talked about that experience and memory after His resurrection. His perspective had changed; He didn't look back. Instead, He pointed us to the future.
When toxic, sibling rivalries are allowed to fester within families, such emotions disrupt the family unit and in extreme cases can even lead to violence. Such relationships can last a lifetime with no resolution. These rivalries not only affect the family unit, but such discord can even creep into a community.
Allow this thought to percolate in your mind. When Cain slew Abel, this was not the first time that Cain's anger got the best of him. I submit that this rivalry was an ongoing saga between the two brothers. I imagine that Cain's angry emotions kept building until he exploded in a fit of rage! And why not? Growing up in a household of boys, you have to ask yourself what young boys do? They learn how to fight. They cultivate jealousies and plot out their revenge. This pattern of behavior may follow them into their adult years if not resolved.
Families are sacred spaces! In this wonderful institution created by God, parents are given the awesome responsibility to teach their children in the ways of righteousness. In this loving setting, children can see what it means to be honorable. Children can learn what it means to be forgiving. In a righteous household, trust is something that is developed and cherished. Honesty is part of the code of conduct.When mistakes are made, children are not harshly treated, but treated with mercy so that they can be merciful. Most of all, children are directed to grow into the persons that God intended them to be.
In the stories of Cain and Abel and Jacob and Esau, siblings did not grow up valuing the uniqueness from the other. They did not lift each other up and support the individualization of their brothers. In doing so, they could not recognize that they had their own unique gifts and that they were each special in God's eyes. They were not taught that one of their roles was to encourage and lift up their siblings. In essence, to be their brother's keeper. When brothers do this, they won't become competitive or jealous of the other. Stop for a moment and think about healthy families. When you see siblings supporting and encouraging one another, is not conflict greatly reduced? Does not their love for each other glow like the morning sun?
In closing, allow me to raise one more troubling thought. If siblings grow up in a household of conflict and jealousy, it is difficult to set aside those memories. There is no denying that you experienced that hurt. If you think about it, your memory may be distorted. For example, have you ever returned, after a long absence, to your grandmother's house as an adult and discovered that her house was not as big as you remembered it? In fact, now it looks quite small. Is it possible that our memories hold the same perspective? That which is large when we were young has now grown small as we became adults. Yet, we react as if those hurtful memories are still large. We have the capacity to change our perspective if we are willing to break through our denial of memories that have been distorted.
Remember, that on that Good Friday when Jesus painfully hung on the cross, He never talked about that experience and memory after His resurrection. His perspective had changed; He didn't look back. Instead, He pointed us to the future.
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